Here is my unofficial guide to attending your wife’s 20-year reunion:

7:46 AM Jul 20th
This weekend, @sarabethjones has her H.S. 20-Year Reunion. (and I have the pressure of being a trophy husband.)

2:08 PM Jul 24th
White Trash Story – Casey Donahew Band: Perfect song for @sarabethjones’s 20YR Reunion. #DogtownNeverDies http://tr.im/tTxd

7:15 PM Jul 24th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip: Don’t pretend that you went to school with these people. It confuses them, and pisses off your wife.

7:38 PM Jul 24th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip: DO NOT BRING YOUR 6-MONTH OLD ( dear God, why!?!)

8:41 PM Jul 24th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip: DO NOT introduce youself to other dudes, and then ask, “So, have you ever kissed my wife?”

9:10 PM Jul 24th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip Just stop! (about an hour ago) @ Sticky Fingerz Rock and Roll http://loopt.us/_OmeOw.t

10:53 PM Jul 24th
#TrophyHusbaaamfirjdudjdjsjs

12:00 AM Jul 25th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip Leave the party with your dignity intact.12:00 AM Jul 25th from Birdfeed

11:12 AM Jul 25th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip What she said ☞ http://tr.im/tZTV

12:40 PM Jul 25th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip For the family picnic, dress your Little Dudes better. (apparently I’ve chosen poorly)

4:37 PM Jul 25th
Photo: ReunionTrophyHusband To be honest, this whole trophy relationship is the other way around. http://tumblr.com/xlx2grb75

6:30 PM Jul 25th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip: Wear Polo cologne and see if anyone gets the joke. @ Home : North Little Rock, AR http://loopt.us/AQ3tQw.t

7:54 PM Jul 25th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip: Be less obvious when spiking your punch. Unsexy.

8:57 PM Jul 25th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip: Dancing. Remember your lessons from “Hitch” – No Freestyling. You are not Jiggy. @ Lit… http://loopt.us/1cVL9Q.t

9:28 PM Jul 25th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip: “Let’s do the wild thing” is a song lyric, not permission.

10:28 PM Jul 25th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip: Relax. (Frankie says so!) @ Little Rock, AR http://loopt.us/zTYHig.t

10:49 PM Jul 25th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip: Eventually, you will have to dance. Just bite lip, and shuffle – a la Eddie Murphy.

11:40 PM Jul 25th
#ReunionTrophyHusbandTip: @sarabethjones‘s 20YR Reunion is over. 16YR Marriage is still intact. Win!

I’m out of words now…